Missing Mom

   

A year ago today, we got the dreaded phone call around 6:00 in the morning, my Mom’s soul had left her poor, worn-out earthly body and her spirit was free. I was already awake, thinking about my Mom and reading about hospice and dying. My sister and I could feel my Mom’s spirit that morning; she came to let us know everything would be fine. When you know someone you love is dying, and there is nothing more that can be done – it is the most helpless feeling in the world. Our dying loved ones are never with us long enough, but at the same time in their suffering, they’re with us too long, it’s a bittersweet pill to swallow. I had just made the long ambulance ride with her back from Kansas City the day before, she wanted nothing more than to be home, where she belonged.

The last two years I’ve probably spent more time in my hometown of Chillicothe, MO than I had the previous 18 years combined. I was there last June when my Mom had heart surgery, and I came back last August when my Mom took a turn for the worse. One of the last conversations my sister and I had with my Mom, she wanted to go home (Hospice had already came in to talk with us and we were going to get her home and make her comfortable). We told her she was coming home and we were going to have a big party for her (she loved parties). Linda asked what Mom was going to make for the party (she was coming and going a bit), when she didn’t answer; Linda asked, “Are you going to make deviled eggs?” My Mom’s eye’s lit up and she had a big smile on her face, and said “yes”.  Within 2 days of that conversation, my Mom was gone.

I loved my Mom, but we didn’t have what I’d call a really close relationship. Since I was 18 and moved away from home, my Mom called me very few times – maybe 2 or 3 times each year (and one of those was my Birthday), I tried to call her more, and we probably stayed “in touch” through my sister more than anything.   As we get older, we know our parents will die. I knew I’d be sad, but I wasn’t prepared for the wave of grief and sadness that has ebbed and flowed this last year.

If you’re lucky enough to still have your Mom with you – do something special for her today. There were way too many times I was just too busy, and didn’t, and would give anything today if I could.

I had the opportunity to speak at my Mom’s funeral, I’ve included my message to my Mom below – I just wish I would have had the opportunity to say all of these things to her.

Today, I’m missing my Mom! Saturday we’re having a family Fish Fry (my Mom would have LOVED that). I’m grateful to be spending time at home, and Saturday I’m making deviled eggs!

Tribute to My Mom

Perspective is a funny thing. Most of us want life to be black or white—but life is truly many shades of grey. My perception and relationship with my Mother has changed a lot through our lives – and I often missed what was really there all along.

Mom was born in 1933 at the tail end of the great depression. I think it’s hard for us today to really comprehend those times – but this was a period when unemployment was at an all time high around 25%, the highest it’s been since then is 10%. Mom and her sister Maxine grew up in these very lean times and according to my Mon, they didn’t have a lot. My Dad was her High School sweetheart and they married in 1951. They weren’t able to have children right away, but Mom loved her family and spent a lot of time with my cousins, especially Larry and Donna. Mom was a hard worker, her and Dad both worked at Lambert Glove for years. At one point they also had a second business, the Tasty Freeze. They bought their first home at 409 Peacher Street; this is where my sister and I were born. I don’t know how much they talked about their dreams, plans or aspirations. I think during most of the 1900’s families just didn’t talk about “stuff”. Around the early 1960’s things started to change for my Mom. Both my parents left Lambert Glove and Dad worked with Joe Lambert to start Midwest Glove. Shortly after that, I was born in 1964 (much to Donna Mae’s dismay) and Mom became a “stay-at home Mom”. Linda joined us 2 years later in 1966 (much to my dismay). My Mom and Dad were both “socially shy”; I inherited that trait as well. My sister on the other hand was a little social butterfly from an early age, which helped Mom come out of her shell a bit.

When people ask me about my childhood or hometown, I describe it as growing up in Mayberry. Mom made sure we had everything we needed, probably overcompensating a bit. After growing up in the post depression years herself, she was bound and determined to make sure her girls had all the things she didn’t. I always remember my Mom fussing over our clothes (going through pictures the last few days we’ve had a lot of laughs, the 60’s-70’s were interesting fashion years). Mom’s cousin Helen always did Mom, Linda and my hair. Mom had a “big hair” period. I can remember her wearing this pink foam netting to bed with pink tape on her sides. (Helen we’ll talk about that later).

Mom was always at all of our school parties, plays, programs and sports events. I don’t think she ever missed a school event for Linda or I. Back then I took that for granted, today I feel special. Growing up Mom rarely left us with sitters or even family. When I was probably 5 or 6 Mom and Dad took their first trip without us to Las Vegas. They left us at our Uncle Donald’s farm (one of my favorite places). My Mom told the story of calling us their first night away. My Aunt Josephine called us inside to talk with Mom. We said hello, but we had to go, we were helping on the farm. My Mom was heartbroken.

She went out of her way for Holidays, especially Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays. Mom loved to fill the house with family and friends. For years they would have a huge Christmas party. Looking back now it seems like we had a hundred people at the house. It was Linda and my job to answer the door and take everyone’s coat. Mom made food for days (her stuffed mushrooms were a specialty) and the house was filled with laughter and warmth (looking through some of the old photos that may have been smoke).

Summers were always a blast. Mom always made sure we got to participate in anything we wanted to (and probably some we didn’t). For me it was Summer Playground playing Tennis and Softball and later golf. Linda and I were both in Scouts and 4H, Bible School and swim lessons. Mom didn’t know how to swim and she made sure Linda and I did. I’ll never forget when I was probably 5, in order to pass to the next Swim Lesson level I had to jump off the low diving board at the city pool. I was horrified. The swim teacher at the time stayed after class, everyone else left the pool, it was just Mom, Linda, the instructor and I – they were all coaxing me to jump. My Mom finally called my Dad and he came out, it seemed like we were there all day, and I finally jumped (Gary I’m glad my Dad didn’t do to me what he did to you at the Lake). All these years I thought that my Dad had encouraged me to jump. In reality, it was my Mom who wasn’t going to let me be a quitter. No offense to Mom’s today, but most would probably say “don’t worry honey, you don’t have to do that”. My Mom expected more and wasn’t going to let me fail.

In the late 70’s, my Junior High and early High School days Mom was very social. She loved playing cards with her friends. She had a bridge day, a poker day; there was ladies day golf, and also bowling. And as my friend Teri Gardner would say, “and Wednesday’s we drank”. Mom and her very best friend, Kay Garrison had a rather “bumpy” start (no pun intended). Mom was just learning to golf and Kay was a brave soul to go out with her. Mom’s first tee shot ricochets off the side and hits Kay square in the temple. Mom was mortified and felt terrible. They get to the emergency room and Kay tells Mom, “Next time I’m wearing a helmet”, that was the beginning of our extended family and a lifelong friendship.

Life is full of pain and joy. Triumph and defeat. Love and heartbreak, my Mom experienced all of that.

My Mom was a woman devoted to her family and friends; that is what meant the most to her. She wanted a comfortable life traveling and growing old with her family. Her world changed forever in the early 1980’s. I graduated from High School and moved out. Unfortunately this was a time that my Dad made a series of bad choices leaving my Mom alone, and her life and dreams turned upside down. Linda and I weren’t really there for her during her darkest days, thank God for Kay. Our lives during the 1980’s would have made a crazy Lifetime Channel movie. My Mom finally went back to work for years at the Donut Shop, then later back to Lambert Glove.

I moved away from Chillicothe around 1989. My Mom and I really didn’t have a “close” relationship after that. It’s funny, she almost never called me, I think we stayed “connected” more through my sister all these years. A few years later I moved to Texas and had even more distance from my Mom.

Over the last 20 years our relationship evolved and changed even more. You’ve probably heard the term “Disney Land Dad”; I became the Disney Land daughter. For the last 10 years or so I’ve been fortunate to have more frequent trips home. During this period my Mom’s health began declining more and more. When I’d come home, I’d take Mom shopping and running around town on adventures. One time I took Mom and Maxine to see their old home sight where they grew up. It was such a fun trip down memory lane listening to them sharing and reminiscing. I got out to take pictures and walk around. We must have lingered a bit too long, and a neighbor down the road came up on his four-wheeler to see what these trespassers were doing. Mom and Maxine got the biggest kick out of that and enjoyed telling the story of how we almost got shot. A couple of times after my visits Mom over exerted herself and days later would need to go to the hospital. Linda put her foot down and I had “boundaries” of what I could do with Mom when visiting after that.

I’m so grateful for some of the special, fun family things we did. In 2009 we took a family vacation to Las Vegas. Mom had a great time getting VIP wheel chair treatment and serenaded by Elvis impersonators. The following year the entire family came down to Texas for a “Family Reunion”. Pat’s sister Aunti Bobbi was also visiting us. Bobbi was a bit of a princess and didn’t want to exert herself for site seeing, so she stayed with Mom while the rest of us got out and about in Austin, they had a great time together. We enjoyed spending a lot of time by the pool and just having a blast. Bobbi passed 3 years ago, I have no doubt she was waiting for Mom at the Pearly Gates with a cold beverage.

One of my Mom’s retirement dreams was to have an RV with a driver who would take them fun places while they relaxed in the back playing games and enjoying cocktails. Last summer Pat and I loaded Mom, Maxine and Shian up for an RV adventure to Iowa. It was just an overnight trip, but what a fun time. We stopped in Centerville, IA to see Larry and Jan and drop Maxine off there to visit. We then traveled to Melrose, IA for Mom to see her long time friends Chris and Virginia. They live in the middle of beautiful IA farm country and we just parked the RV in their driveway.

The last 16 years my sister has lived with my Mom everyday experiencing the challenges with Mom’s health. I came for fun and games, and then left again. Perspective is funny, I bet there were times Linda wished she could have my life, and today I wish I could have had more of hers.

Early this year Mom’s health began declining rapidly. In May they advised she had a leaky heart valve that needed to be replaced. We wanted this to be her decision and she made the decision to have the surgery. I felt so blessed that Pat and I were able to drive the RV up and be with her for 3 weeks through all of this. We parked the RV at Worlds of Fun and drove back and forth to St. Luke’s on the Plaza every day. I had a goal and a mission, to help Mom get better and back home to Chillicothe. She probably hated me, I asked her to do things that were painful, uncomfortable and hard. I pushed her to do her breathing treatments every day and kept asking for more. I’d challenge her to get up and walk. Even after a set back and going back to ICU, she worked so hard. The day she went back to Chillicothe I was so happy and proud, and so was she. As we pulled out in the RV to head back to Texas on June 20^th, I felt so sad and the next week I felt lost. I worried was she eating, were they making her walk enough, was she doing her breathing treatments, was she getting better. She hit another milestone by moving from the swing bed at Hedrick Medical to Morningside Center. Mom loved it there. She made friends and the staff loved and doted on her (especially Lisa Boyd who my Mom loved), she got to eat what she wanted, play BINGO and have company. I had a really hard time reaching her on the phone because she was so busy. There were a couple of times I reached her, and she had to go, she didn’t want to miss the fun. I probably felt like my Mom did over 40 years ago when a couple of girls had farming to do. I haven’t heard my Mom be so happy in a very long time.

My Mom was a small town girl, born and died in the small town of Chillicothe, MO, her HOME which meant so much to her, with her family and extended family who meant the world to her. She knew she was loved.

All these years I never saw my Mom as a strong woman. I’m ashamed and embarrassed to say I thought she was weak.

Today I see her as the strongest, bravest, most courageous woman I know. A couple of the nurses at Morningside shared with me that Mom was so scared to have the heart surgery, but she wanted to do it so she could get better and stronger for “us girls”. The only time I’ve been in the hospital was when I was born, I can’t imagine what my Mother endured and the courage it took.

I realized I was just like my Mom in June. Her diving board was the hospital and I wasn’t going to accept any other outcome than her to get better and go home. When I arrived in Kansas City 2 weeks ago, I was ready “to get Mom back home again”. This time it was different. I rode in the ambulance back home to Chillicothe with my Mom. This time God was ready for her to come home. You can’t argue with the big guy above.

I used to think, “I didn’t want to be like my Mom”. Today I’m grateful for the wonderful gifts my Mom gave me.

My Mom was a beautiful, brave, strong woman and I’m proud of her. I wish I could have told her all of this before she passed. She raised 2 strong and independent daughters, and for that I’m eternally grateful.